Just Because It's Preventable Doesn't Mean It's Your Responsibility
Lately, something I keep hearing in sessions is this idea of preventable harm. It also came up recently in a post I shared on Instagram (@theshrinkwrap), and the response made it clear how deeply this resonates with people. The theme is usually the same: If there’s even a small chance something bad could happen AND I could stop it then I have to! For many people with OCD, even a 1% possibility feels like an emergency. It doesn’t matter how unlikely the harm is; the mere fact that it’s possible makes it feel irresponsible not to act.
I see this constantly in health anxiety. If there’s a chance something could be wrong, the answer feels obvious: go to the doctor, Google the symptoms, get reassurance. To wait feels reckless. In relationship OCD, it shows up as constant system-checking and the inability to let the relationship simply exist. There’s a sense that I can’t leave this alone, because if something is wrong and I don’t catch it, the harm will be my fault. Underneath all of this is the same belief: if harm is preventable, then I am responsible for preventing it. This is exactly the pattern I break down in my Relationship OCD Masterclass to help you understand why this responsibility belief keeps OCD alive, and how to step out of compulsive checking and reassurance without abandoning your values or your relationship.
Preventable harm is a philosophical trap, not a life rule. This is not how a good or meaningful life is actually lived. Harm is not something we can fully opt out of. It’s part of being human. Every day, we accept risks without realizing it, such as driving a car, leaving the house, forming relationships, and having a body that can get sick. We don’t protect ourselves from every possible danger, because doing so would make life unlivable. And yet OCD convinces people that this harm is different, that this risk must be closed, checked, or neutralized.
The problem is that trying to eliminate that gap by checking one more time, researching one more symptom, analyzing one more feeling comes at a cost. Yes, compulsions can bring a momentary sense of safety. But what kind of life is built around constant monitoring and prevention? When so much energy goes into trying to guarantee safety, presence disappears, joy shrinks, and feelings of freedom narrow. In trying to avoid harm, people end up harming their own quality of life.
Living well doesn’t mean preventing every bad outcome. It means accepting that uncertainty is unavoidable and choosing to live anyway. Preventable doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility. Possible doesn’t mean it’s likely and safety has never meant total control. The work is not learning how to stop all harm. It is about learning how to tolerate the reality that some harm was never yours to prevent in the first place.
With care,
Sheva Rajaee, LMFT
Founder, The Center for Anxiety and OCD