Grieving the Perfect LoveYou Didn't Get

There’s a quiet kind of heartbreak that often goes unnamed in ROCD recovery. It’s not about losing a person. It’s about losing an idea. Many of us enter relationships carrying invisible expectations: that love will feel magical, that we’ll just know, that the right person will erase all doubt. When that doesn’t happen, especially in the context of OCD, it can feel like something’s gone terribly wrong.

But what if what you’re feeling isn’t just doubt... What if it’s grief?

 If you live with Relationship OCD, you’re likely no stranger to questions like:

• “Shouldn’t love feel easier than this?”

• “Wouldn’t the right relationship feel more certain?”

• “What if this isn’t what love is supposed to feel like?”

These aren’t just anxious thoughts. Sometimes, they’re the echoes of something deep and painful- grief related to losing a version of love you always thought you’d have.

What We Think Love Should Be

From movies, books, childhood hopes, or early unmet needs, many of us grew up believing that love would be:

• Constantly exciting

• Effortless

• Unshakably certain

• Deeply affirming, all the time

• Proof that we are finally okay

And when real love doesn’t live up to those expectations, especially when it’s paired with OCD’s demand for certainty, it can feel devastating. This is not because your relationship is failing, but because your fantasy is dissolving.

How This Ties into ROCD

ROCD thrives on the gap between “what is” and “what should be.”
It’s the voice that says:

• “If this were real love, you wouldn’t have these doubts.”

• “If they were the one, you’d feel more certain.”

• “Something must be missing if I’m this anxious.”

But sometimes, what’s actually happening isn’t doubt—it’s grief. There is grief of wanting a love that never wavers and getting something more ordinary. There is grief of learning that love is often quiet, imperfect, and chosen, not magical and all-consuming. There is grief of letting go of the relationship you imagined so you can be present with the one you have.

A Unique Insight

Healing from ROCD doesn’t just mean tolerating doubt. It often means mourning the love you thought would save you.

This isn’t a failure of your relationship or your growth. It’s a natural part of waking up from the fantasy of perfect love and building something grounded, meaningful, and real in its place.

What Helps During This Process

• Name the grief: “I’m mourning a version of love I thought I’d have.”

• Let go of the fairytale lens: Love isn’t less valuable because it’s imperfect. It’s often more sacred because it requires effort, choice, and care.

• Normalize the discomfort: Grief can feel like doubt, loss, or even numbness. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong.

• Ground in your values: What matters more than perfection in my relationship? Security, kindness, commitment, humor, presence?

If this speaks to your experience, you’re not alone.
This grief is valid and honoring it can be one of the most transformative parts of healing.

The ROCD Masterclass was created to support individuals navigating these very challenges by combining evidence-based tools with emotional wisdom to help you step out of fear and into meaningful connection.

Warmly,

Sheva